Monday, 15 November 2010

where's my life???

I've done this before so when deciding to try for a baby I knew exactly what to expect I had it all planned finish my degree, do a PGCE and find a job in teaching as well as look after a family.  I then thought we could maybe, finance (and Lee) allowing, try for a 3rd...BUT...then I had twins!  Childcare for 2 babies would be more than I could earn plus I'm not sure I could find the time to do a PGCE whilst looking after 2 babies, Holly, Lee, 2 cats and a house so for the time I have resigned myself to the stay at home Mum (SAHM) status,

I returned to work when Holly was 6 weeks old so have never experienced the SAHM status before and I was really looking forward to doing all the things I couldn't do with Holly however its not as fun as I thought, in fact its bloody boring!  for the first few weeks I thought Lee had it tough, going to work and missing out on all the cute things Max and Fia do however now I'm...can't believe I'm saying this...jealous!  I'm jealous he is getting a life, he speaks to adults daily and its not always about the babies, I'm jealous that he actually enjoys his job.  I'm angry that I don't, I'm angry that when he comes home he is too tired to help, I'm angry that I never get a break, I'm angry that my life is boring, I'm angry that I feel like this.

Here's the real crunch...if Lee and I had to swap roles, if I had to go to work and Lee stayed at home there is no way I would do it.  I just want a peak at life from time to time, an hour off a week would be great, for that one hour I would feel like me. 

I guess you can't have everything after all...

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

4 months on..

Well...we made it to 4 months and I really can't believe how quickly its gone!!   It feels like only yesterday we found out we were having twins and some days I look down and can't believe there are 2 little babies in front of me.

Its amazing how much their own personalities have developed already, I do wonder how much of their differences are down to being boy/girl however I strongly believe in nurture so when I here "oh its because his a boy" I roll my eyes and reply "maybe" as some conversations just fall on deaf ears.

Fia has grown the most and is developing an immense amount of physical strength...she holds her head well and can lay on her belly (reluctantly) and push upwards.  She has a smile for everyone even if she is unwell (that didn't help to convince the doctor she was genuinely ill a few weeks back), she loves attention and would rather have a cuddle than play by herself.  She obviously adores and depends on her brother and is always looking to see where he is.

Max, one the other hand, wouldn't always notice if Fia wasn't there.  He talks to her, in their funny little language, whenever she is in his eye line but doesn't actively seek her out.  Instead he chooses to play by himself thrashing around on his play mat.  Strength wise he is slightly weaker than Fia, still looking like a nodding dog when trying to support his own head although he is beginning to show some interest in sitting upright.  His grumpy face breaks into a smile when someone talks to him and that person is often treated to a round of laughter if the talking continues.

Two beautiful, gorgeous independent babies and today I can't believe how lucky I am...tomorrow, however, is another story.